


i try to explain the explorer notes from memory

by DireShire



Category: ARK: Survival Evolved
Genre: Other, shitpost, stupid, this is a mess just like my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-09
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-31 05:39:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12675504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DireShire/pseuds/DireShire
Summary: im in history class and i want to shitpostalso i have a horrible memory so this is probably going to be inaccurate but whatever





	i try to explain the explorer notes from memory

so this person helena wakes up on a beach and cries for like 5 hours straight before getting up and saying “heck this is pretty!” also shes friends with this scientist dude rockwell

anyways helena instantly starts researching sharks (she has some shark kink or something)  instead trying to SURVIVE but she finds out theres this bitch named mei who is like the queen of raptors or some shit the bEASt queen

helena goes to mei and says “hey can i study ur dinos mating patterns??” helena is gay and is not talking about meis dinos

actually she probably is but  **_still_ **

 

OKAY SO then helena chills with mei for a while. meanwhile rockwell is doing experiments and shit also theres this guy nerva who is attacking all these tribes

mei is having a crisis over an alpha raptor (we’ve all been there, mei) and apparently is a warlord to the tribes.

nerva attacks the tribe of the  **pain** ted sharks but mei comes out on her favorite raptor named wuzhui. she looks nerva deadass in the eye and says “fuck off” and he fucks off. mei is now a god.

but then mei says “lets do this” and the tribe says “lmao no” and mei gets mad so she leaves, damning them for all eternity.

 

rockwell is trying to do science and he sits at a job fair with a booth that says “Sign up for Human Testing: In the name of Science™!” and starts crying when no one signs up.

one mental breakdown and tea party with helena later, rockwell decides “fuck free will” and makes his science shit that will totally fuck up anyone who consumes it into a chili. for some reason everyone on the island is a slut for chili and they eat that shit up while rockwell watches from afar, drinking tea and eating crumpets with helena.

rockwell thinks this is great and keeps doing it. he becomes like the fucking gordon ramsay of the island when in reality hes victor frankstein using everyone as human guinea pigs.

at one point, nerva sents rockwell a tweet that says “luv ur work :] add me” and rockwell and nerva start discussing ways that they can fuck up the ark even more over facetime.

 

helena is a dumb bitch and keeps researching. it takes her like a long time to realize that on this island with floating towers of neon glowsticks and dinos that glow red, something is wrong.

helena talks to rockwell. nothing happens except rockwell says “hmm, yes, thats interesting, also do u want some tea”

 

meanwhile, mei is taking wuzhui out for a walk when some of nervas mafia friends come out. they approach while snapping their fingers saying that when youre a jet youre a jet and mei is too busy being mad that it takes her 15 minutes after they leave to notice that wuzhui is bleeding and dead. mei cries.

halfway through her sobbing, she looks up. wuzhui decends from heaven and says “Simba, the pridelands need you.” mei is angry again and swears to murder nerva and the jets.

 

nerva has been taking the rings of power from the tribes and using them to activate the neon glowstick towers. mei and helena go to investigate. when they get there, helena says “hey lets do this” and mei, having gone through this once before, decides its better to fucking sock helena in the face.

so mei punches her girlfriend in the face and watches as her corpse falls to the ground. nerva is snapchatting this and mei screams that she doesnt want to be on the internet. nerva laughs and mei goes complete ape shit. rockwell is probably in the corner, watching them and drinking tea. helena is fucking dead.

 

when helena wakes up from her coma, shes on some fucking ship. mei is angry, she wants to avenge her raptor son.

**Author's Note:**

> congrats


End file.
